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And as someone who travels in personal and professional environments that are predominantly white—the legal profession, Ultimate Frisbee, graduate school—the majority of my friends, including my single girlfriends, are white. Race has always had an impact on my identity, but I had been loath to admit the role that it might play in my ability to be loved. We are talking about one of the most elemental of human impulses. The situation made me wonder: What would my experience be like on OkCupid if I were white?
OkCupid has devoted a considerable amount of research to the interactions and experiences of its users. One of the defining principles of our culture is, after all, multiculturalism. I observe the reinvigoration of the KKK, remember the demagogic, racist words of Donald Trump during his campaign, read about yet another shooting of an unarmed black man in America, and thank my lucky stars that I decided to stay in Canada for law school, instead of going to a place where my sass could get me shot if my tail light went out and I were asked to pull over.
When I visited the University of Toronto, on the other hand, no one seemed to care what colour I was, at least on the surface. I mingled easily with other students and became fast friends with a man named Randy. Together, we drank the free wine and headed off to a bar with some second- and third-year students. The experience felt like an extension of my undergraduate days at McGill, so I picked the University of Toronto then and there. Canada, I concluded, was the place for me.
In the US, the roots of racism lie in slavery. I am highly educated, identify with the gender I was given at birth, am straight, thin, and, when working as a lawyer, upper-middle class.
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My friends see these things and assume that I pass through life largely as they do. When I am on the subway and I open my mouth to speak, I can see other people relax—I am one of them, less like an Other. The ability to navigate white spaces—what gives someone like me a non-threatening quality to outsiders—is a learned behaviour. So when I first started online dating, I was optimistic that my blackness and multiracial identity would have a minimal impact on my success.
No dick pics were sent my way. If anything, I was suffering from a small sample size.
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Given the promise of online dating, I thought that here, in multicultural Toronto, someone might read my profile, note our high level of compatibility, and be interested in me as a living, breathing, human person.
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